Submissions:
"...the man I married was not the same man standing before me"
One year ago - the last week of July, I was talking with a friend from work about relationships. She was commenting on how great it is that my husband and I have been together for so long (since HS). She made the comment that it is so great that I know everything about him - no surprises. Oh course, me the happy wife said - "Yes, it is. We are best friends. I would know if he was doing something behind my back. We are that connected - I can't imagine that he would throw it all away and be so dumb! I would leave if my husband cheated on me. I would take the kids and walk out."
August 9th I found multiple phone calls and text messages to another woman. I was 8 weeks pregnant with our fourth child.
From that into the following weeks I found out that the man I married was not the same man standing before me. I did not know him - and had to seriously re-evaluate whether or not I even wanted to get to know him - the real person, not just the "great guy" show that he had perfected. In the months following there was so much more that I discovered about him, not all of it good. I found that he struggled with lust, and that this was not the first affair but the third.
I would have never willingly asked God to allow me in these position. I never imagined that I would feel pain that at times was worse than the loss of my parents. Am I sorry that He did? Not at all.
We are two people living side by side on this earth. Satan creates the perfect temptation for each person and sometimes we fall to that. Many of those "offenders" that you speak of have pasts that are laced with abuse, divorce, lack of intimacy within their own families and very real pains of his/her own. They are also great parents, wonderfully kind to their parents and a good friend to have. To be yet another person that walks away from would be "proof" to them that they are unworthy and a vindication for Satan.
These ones that sin against us are not perfect. Neither are we. There is a very common misconception about marriage that it is supposed to bring happiness, and when it doesn't it is OK to walk away to regain the happiness within yourself. Don't get me wrong. I was not OK with the willful disregard. I was not OK with the choices my husband had made. I was not OK with him at all.
For me, personally, I would rather grow in the way that God has intended for me than "be happy" alone. I would rather let God have the glory and the victory of another marriage pulled back from the edge of divorce than let Satan win. I would rather be a success story for my children and a shoulder to cry on for friends experiencing difficulties than someone who decided to walk away.
I had every right to divorce - but the Bible doesn't say that I should or that I have to. I have a right to, but I know that it isn't the right choice for me, my children, or many others in the same situation. I realize that among today's standards what I am doing is foolish. Why would I wait around for him to hurt me again, right? Because I truly believe that God has something greater planned for our lives. I would never want to get in the way of that.
"...thru difficult times"
God has shown me his love and guidance thru difficult times with my husbands infidelities. I draw on The Lords strength and incouraging words to get me thru this. God's grace alone is enough for me.
"...I knew there was still hope..."
One year ago I was in an abusive marriage and ended up going to the women's crisis center for help. They told me I was in a lethal situation and should leave the marriage. It was still very hard for me to make that decision because I wanted to honor the Lord and keep the vows I had made 23 years ago. We went through two counselors with no improvement. I finally got the nerve to talk to my pastor about my situation. In our first meeting he told me that if I choose to divorce my husband they would have to do church discipline on me and remove me from the church, because there was no adultery. Several of the women in leadership were instructed to remove fellowship from me which they did. So not only was I losing my marriage I was losing my church family at the same time. But because I have a personal relationship with Jesus, I knew there was still hope, still people somewhere that would love me through this and that is what I found at Southeast Christian. DivorceCare class had a great deal to do with the fact that I am a whole person today. Thanks for being real and realizing that divorce does happen and people need healing who go through it.
"...the most difficult thing..."
Divorce has been the most difficult thing I have been through in my life. I would say it was more damaging to my life than being raped after a high school football game and date raped in college. When I married my husband I believed in the fairytale and divorce was never to be an option. Six months into my marriage everything change. He changed his attitude about everything. He only did the God thing because I did and he was tired of it. He went through 5 jobs in just a few months. He would either quit because his boss made him mad or get fired. He would punch things and leave to party all night. He dropped out of college and did not want to do much of anything. I asked him to go to counseling and he was not interested. Out of nowhere he came home one day and had joined the airforce without telling me his plans. By this time we had a 6 month old daughter. Life was spinning out of control. I attempted sucide. I woke up in the hospital and they agreed to release me to my father. My daughter and I moved in with my parents while my husband went off to basic training and tech school. Military life turned out to be good for my husband. A steady job with a plan to take care of his family. We had another child and things looked like they were going to be better. When our second child was but a month old my husband came home and said he was getting out of the military. He was tired of being told what to do. You see he had signed a contract with the military for 4 years and it had only been two. The only way out was dishonorable and he decided that was alright. Off we went back to our home state. The emotion abuse began again and so did his addiction to pornography. During all this time we had been to 5 marriage seminars and three marriage counselors. I was holding on as best I could. He could not hold a job and really had no desire to. One night he poured a bottle of pills in my mouth and sat on me, holding my mouth while they disolved slowly. Our daughter woke up and at age 5 called for help. I finally decided iIneeded to leave. I was either going to end my life or change my life. My husband was only a roommate living in the house and between his porn and computer addiction along with the relationship with our babysitter, while I worked, I decided to leave. Some people would say, you tried for 7 years and have reason to divorce. My circle of family and friends did not. The small group bible study removed me when I started the divorce. My family said they would have nothing to do with me if I followed through with it. Even with losing my friends and family I could not stay any longer. My family did not speak to me for 2 years. I was not welcome at family gatherings or holidays. Oddly enough my ex was welcome with my family because he was not the one who filed for the divorce. My father had started the church we attended and he told me not to come back, God could never use me now, I was now worshipping satan because he had control of my life. I was all alone with 2 girls living in a 500 square foot apartment. My sister wanted to adopt my kids so they would have a mother and a father. I found God was still there for me and He would never leave. I forgave my friends and family and worked on not being bitter so that when my family did come around I would be ready with open arms. It took about 3 years for my family to understand what I had lived with and come around to relationship with me again. When they saw pictures of their their teenage granddaughter on the internet in a bathtub posted by their biological father and CPS got involved things changed rapidly. The guilt and feeling like an unworthy to worship person has followed me since my divorce. I know God forgave my divorce but I could not seem to forgive myself. I have finally felt accepted and loved since finding Southeast Christian. In the choir was where I found my place to belong and place to become. I was loved from day one and encouraged to worship with all my heart. It was the choir that has walked me thorugh some major trials I have faced this year. Through Todd's sermon on sunday I feel free......
"I was extremely lonely"
I was a sex addict for over 30 years. My whole life was centered around pornography and going to massage parlors. It cost me my marriage and and almost cost me my career. I also destroyed myself financially. I spent my money on my addiction instead of paying my bills, putting myself in huge debt.
I lived in a world of full of darkness and fantasy where my only 'relationships' were with nameless women in magazines or on a computer screen. In reality, I was extremely lonely and depressed and often thought of suicide.
Through my dependence on God and help from others , I was able to finally break the bonds of this terrible addiction. I now live in a world of lightness and life, instead of a world of darkness and death.
"...I silently had tears streaming down my face..."
The sermon on suicide was a very good one for me, even though I silently had tears streaming down my face the whole time. I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a little girl. While I've received counseling and take medication to help balance my brain out, it was great to hear a Christian/Biblical perspective on suicide. I'm so thankful for the tips for loved ones as there have been times during our marriage where my husband has felt at a loss as to what he should do when I've become extremely depressed. Satan loves to make those of us who struggle with this feel like we're less lovable to God, and I am appreciative to know this isn't the case and that the Lord always wants to see us trust in Him for our future and that He loves all of us the same.
"He was my first boyfriend, my first everything"
I been married for 16 years and about eight months ago he cheated on me and its been difficult because I love him very much he was my first boyfriend my first everything. I have three children and now he tells me that he just wants to be roommates he doesnt like what I become. I dont understand that one. But, he basically tells me that he no longer wants me he prefers to stay here for the children. He makes me feel like everything is my fault and he has made no mistakes. I feel so a lone. I feel like the only way out of this marriage is killing myself. I almost did with his own gun but he was able to take it from me. How can he hurt me so much I finally realize that the love he had for me was long gone. I dont know what to do. I dont have a job and I havent work for 16 years. Im taking some real state classess and i previously graduated from lvn program. He tells me that as soon I find a job that we should sell the house or maybe I can stay I will pay the mortgage and he would just be our roommate because he doesnt want to hurt the children. He wants to be with them always and never be without them. I have no friends and he does I dont know what to do.